Should I Tell My Therapist I’m Kinky?

This blog is authored by Brock Jones, MA, QMHP, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team.

__________________________

What Does “Kink” Mean?
I once heard kink could be anything other than the missionary style with the lights off. That goes to say, kink is a broad term which encompasses a wide range of fantasies, likes, fetishes, acts, as well as sexual and non-sexual behaviors which are outside the usual “vanilla” or “straight” concepts of sex and sexuality. A fetish is usually understood to mean attraction to a particular object, body part, or situation not typically thought of as sexual.

In practice though, there is no one definition which adequately captures what kink is. That is probably because kink is inherently personal, specific, and complex for each person. It is the unique and specific ways your sexuality intersects with conventionally non-sexual aspects of life such as power dynamics and roles, items and objects, pain and pleasure, or power and control. Kink actively and consensually invites these and dynamics into the bedroom (or other play spaces). In that way, kink is whatever you might want it to be. It is a way for queer and cis-het people to explore their identity and relationship with sex.

Talking About Kink Can be Difficult
Kinky folks, like other sexual and gender identities, have been marginalized, stigmatized, misunderstood, and faced exclusion. For these reasons, together with internalizing these experiences, kink and sex can be difficult to talk about. Even with your therapist.

• You might feel judgment or embarrassment bringing these topics up, or wonder ‘Am I kinky?,’ and even be unsure about where to start if you’re curious to learn more.
• You might be uncertain if your therapist is knowledgeable about your kinks, or has some judgment themselves.
• You may want to avoid having to explain or define your kink to someone who’s never heard of it.
• And your reasons for coming to therapy might have nothing to do with your kink, fetishes, or relationship dynamics.

Deciding Whether to Tell Your Therapist You’re Kinky
Kink affirming therapy begins with seeing the whole you in an accepting and non-pathologizing way. It does not see your kinks and sexuality as a problem, something to be fixed or managed. While addressing internalized stigma and cultural messaging around sex and kink can be helpful, kink affirming therapy recognizes that kink can lead to growth, healing, and empowering in many aspects of your life. Kink affirming therapy sees your kinky identity as an integral part of the whole you, and recognizes your sexuality is deeply personal and important to you. Your therapist can help you see your kinky self as a source of strengths and skills, whether from the creativity of roleplay, to the communication skills of negotiation and limit setting, or the curiosity and exploration of fetishes, these are valuable skills and traits.

It might be reassuring to know that there has not been any significant link shown between kink and mental illness. In fact, an improved sex life can have many of the same helpful outcomes as other changes discussed in therapy such as excitement and energy for new activities, improved relationships with activity partners, stress relief, and gained sense of control. Like other aspects of therapy, what you want to get out of therapy is up to you. Whether you choose to share these parts of you with your therapist, know that the conversation is always open.

__________________________