An Introduction to BDSM

This blog is authored by Jenn Geiman, PhD, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team.

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Bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism. No blog post would really be enough to master the material, but we’re hoping to whip up some good information on the subject.

Let’s nail down some terms:

Bondage: practice of consensually restraining (e.g., tying, binding, cuffing) a partner. This can be a sexual practice, and it can also be aesthetic, related to physical sensation, and/or allowing the restrained partner to experience a sense of somatic relaxation or release.

Discipline: practice of providing a set of rules and/or expectations, which sometimes may involve punishment. It may often be a part of relationships between dominants and submissives. Discipline can allow one to feel more secure in having clarity regarding the expectations of a relationship, something which many people have found lacking in relationships. Clear and consistent expectations can also allow a sub to relax into a submissive headspace, or subspace.

Domination: practice of engaging in consensual power exchange through which one is empowered to direct the course of play, often in an effort to meet the needs of a submissive partner. One can identify solely as dominant or as a switch who may participate in other roles related to power exchange. As with other aspects of BDSM, domination can be in-person or remote, physical or non-physical, and/or sexual or non-sexual. Types of domination may include (but are not limited to) physical, mental, emotional, behavioral, or financial.

Submission: practice of engaging in consensual power exchange through which one allows another to hold power over them. As with domination, exchange of power may take place within the confines of an experience, or scene, or potentially integrated as a ritual of daily life and relationships. One might engage in or identify with submission for any number of reasons. Some examples might be to allow oneself to relinquish responsibility, feel taken care of, work through previous experiences of trauma, or experience the excitement of not knowing what may come next.

Sadism: practice of receiving satisfaction through consensually causing pain, degradation, and/or humiliation. This can be sexual or not, but in good practice consistently relies on negotiation and communication between partners. This may also be satisfying in giving a dominant a sense of control, an ability to engage in the taboo, and the knowledge that they are meeting the needs of their partner.

Masochism: practice of receiving pleasure or satisfaction through the experience of mental or emotional pain. Often (but not necessarily always) this will entail a submissive receiving pain and/or humiliation of some kind from a dominant. This may be satisfying in providing a focus for pain, a release of endorphins, and an experience of being cared for both during and after by a partner who is specifically attuned to their needs.

A lot of folx are familiar with the words and have a general sense of what each might mean. That said, the media has encouraged a lot of misconceptions about BDSM and kink more broadly. Common misconceptions include:

• BDSM is inherently violent and dangerous. BDSM can involve pain, but only when that is something that has been consented to. BDSM could also look like one person gently taking care of a partner after a consenting power exchange. My point is that BDSM can be as varied as other forms of relational dynamics. There can be danger involved in some BDSM practices, which is why informed consent and learning the safety precautions any particular form of play might entail is so important. A car can be very dangerous if someone doesn’t know how to drive, or if someone is under the influence of substances, or it can be as safe as piloting a multi-ton machine could possibly be. This can be true for BDSM practice as well.
• BDSM is all about sex. BDSM can involve sex and/or sensuality, but sex is not necessary between play partners. Some dynamics may be entirely non-sexual. I think some of this misperception is in labeling everything that is intimate and/or vulnerable as sexual in some way. Sometimes BDSM practice can be incredibly vulnerable and require high levels of trust between partner – these are factors that white-dominant Western cultures seem to struggle to comprehend outside of sexual intimacy.
• People who are BDSM practitioners are manipulative or their interest is solely due to mental illness. This one often couldn’t be farther from the truth – a lot of people come to appreciate BDSM after a great deal of self-reflection and personal work. Often these folx are more proactive and mindful of consent than people who haven’t practiced BDSM. They may have greater skills related to communicating needs and boundaries, as well as refined abilities to read emotional and physical cues from others. There is always the possibility that there could be people who want to cross the boundaries of others or take advantage of vulnerable people. Just as these people can be on the school PTA, they can show up in the BDSM community as well.

So, you may ask, why is this on a therapy practice’s blog? Some of the reason is to increase general knowledge and reduce shame aimed toward BDSM and its practitioners. Maybe sharing this information will allow people who are curious to feel safer learning more. Maybe it will tell a potential client that IntraSpectrum Counseling is an option for those who want to bring up BDSM in therapy. One other point is to point out that there are things anyone could learn about or from BDSM that may enrich their experiences of relationship.

What can anyone learn from BDSM?

• Consent: that there are several models of consent, which a whole community has worked on and built nuance into.
• Attunement/communication: given the need for communication during many kinds of BDSM play, many practitioners build communication and attunement skills that can rival therapists.
  Learning about these skills and from these practitioners can be one way to build your own skills, both for your benefit and that of partners and close others in your life.
• Understanding of power and responsibility: recognition of who holds power within relationships  can help decrease unwanted power differentials, as well as enrich relational dynamics in which power exchange is fulfilling. Combining a recognition of one’s power with a greater understanding of the responsibility this power is something I think all people can benefit from.

A final note from a therapist: While it can often be seen as taboo to speak openly about sexual (or sexuality-adjacent) practices with a therapist, it is important to know that a therapist worth their salt will be open and happy to engage with you on any such topics. In fact, processing experiences related to BDSM can offer nuanced opportunities to explore relational dynamics. I have found conversations integrating discussion of participation in BDSM and kink-related activities into trauma and attachment work to be particularly meaningful. If you feel able and willing to do so, asking a therapist how they work with BDSM and kink can be an opportunity to feel more comfortable talking with them, or to find out that they may not be the best fit for you. Ultimately, a good portion of what makes therapy work is the relationship between client and therapist – if they are the right fit for you, you can trust they would be thrilled to show you the ropes.

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