Kids Grieve Too: Navigating Loss with Queer Youth

This blog is authored by Avery Brayfield, M.ED, LPC, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team. It is the second in a series of two articles on the topic of queer grief (click for the first installment, Finding the Light: Queer Grief in a Heteronormative World).

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Grief: an intense sadness in response to a loss. Grief can be overwhelming and comes in many forms. As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I specialize in supporting queer kids & adults experiencing grief. In my research, I have found that through mourning and processing loss with others or a trusted professional, there is hope for healing.

What is Grief?
Grief and loss are universal experiences that all of us endure. It is the intense sorrow that comes following a loss. As described in my previous blog about queer adults experiencing grief, Finding the Light: Queer Grief in a Heteronormative World, there are many types of loss: the loss of family after coming out, the grief of important relationships changing, the loss of time not spent as one’s authentic self, the grief of discrimination, and many more. I also want to highlight two other types of grief here: compounded grief and collective grief:

• Compounded grief, or the grief of multiple losses experienced in a short period of time, can be devastating. Those who struggle with compounded grief may struggle with depressed mood, difficulties focusing and connecting with others, isolating, and other negative emotional responses to the losses. It can feel overwhelming and prolonged due to processing the layers of losing multiple people or things at once.
• Collective grief, on the other hand, is a grief shared by a community or group of people. For example, the collective grief shared during a high-profile hate crime, such as the murder of gay college student Matthew Shepard, is the widespread sorrow or despair that are shared in a community. All types of grief are valid, they are simply words used to describe the specific experiences of those struggling with loss.

Grief in Kids vs. Adults
Developmentally, children and younger teens may express grief differently than adults, so it’s important to consider this when discussing emotional responses to a loss. Children and younger teens may express their feelings about the loss in a physical way, such as complaining about headaches or stomachaches. Many teens tend to focus on friendships and relationships outside of their family of origin, which can be vital for teens managing grief in terms of finding social support. Developmentally, teenagers are particularly vulnerable to existential and identity distress when facing a loss, since they tend to be considering where they fit into the world already as a natural part of growing up. As it pertains to loss, they may start to question their mortality and what their legacy will be. Similarly, many queer teens and young people are developing their identity and questioning their place in the world, so experiencing a traumatic event such as the death of a loved one can cause disruptions in their sense of self and sense of the world around them.

Supporting Queer Kids Experiencing Grief
It’s vital for young people to have a safe space to discuss their feelings and fully share them, particularly when it comes to processing grief and loss. This is true regardless of the complexities of their relationship to the person they have lost. Having a safe space to talk about what they are going through without being judged can help normalize grief, validate feelings related to loss, and help youth and teens get the resources they need to have proper support. This is particularly true and important for queer youth, who have been shown to have decreased rates of suicide when they are able to connect with even just one supportive adult.

If you’re an adult who is supporting a child or teen who has experienced a loss, make sure to hold space for emotions that might come up and have an open ear!

• Listen for signs of what’s called maladaptive grief, or grief that is longer in duration or more intense than in adaptive grief. When developed at a young age, maladaptive grief can lead to mental health issues later on.
• Look for disruptions in functioning, such as eating, sleeping, focus, socializing, and hygiene.
• Also keep an ear out for losses that are unexpected or violent in nature, as these can be particularly difficult.
• For young queer people, losing loved ones due to hate crimes, bullying, suicide, discrimination, or estrangement can be a specific and hard-hitting grief.
• Statistically, queer and trans teens are more likely to be homeless due to estrangement, among other experiences listed here. This is why it is so important that young people are connected to support, including adults and relationships with their peers, or “found family”.

If you feel your child is struggling with a loss in a way that is impacting their functioning (such as eating, going to school, doing homework, sleeping, seeing friends, and other important areas of life), reach out to seek help from a professional counselor.

My Approach
When working with queer teens experiencing various kinds of grief, my approach is to listen empathetically, walking with the child in their feelings so that they know they are not alone. Fully seeing and hearing the person sitting in front of me in their entirety and allowing them to show up with all of their emotions and thoughts is vital to the healing process. Utilizing narrative approaches to help kids re-write their story from one that is problem saturated into one they can take control of, I help clients see the entirety of their experiences rather than just one part. Learning how to honor the time they have had with their loved one and choose how to carry that person and experience with them through art, music, and storytelling can be an incredibly healing experience. In addition to learning Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills for tolerating and accepting the intense emotions that arise with grief, the two kinds of therapy work together to allow for expression and acceptance while working toward changing the way we look at grief.

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This blog is authored by Avery Brayfield, M.ED, LPC, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team. IntraSpectrum Counseling is Chicago’s leading psychotherapy practice dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community. Every day, we strive to provide the highest quality mental health care for clients of all ages and across the spectrum of identities. For anyone needing affirming and validating support or healing with grief or any issue, please click here or email us at help@intraspectrum-chicago.com.