Finding the Light: Queer Grief in a Heteronormative World

This blog is authored by Avery Brayfield, M.ED, LPC, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team.

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Grief: an intense sadness in response to a loss. Grief can be overwhelming and comes in many forms. As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I specialize in queer grief and in my research, I have found that through mourning and processing loss with others or a trusted professional, there is hope for healing.

What is Grief?
Grief describes the immense suffering or sorrow of loss people often feel. It often causes stress, anxiety, worry about the past or future, and deep sadness, typically related to the death of a loved one. Some describe it as feeling a “hole” in their life where something once was. Others experience feelings and symptoms similar to those associated with depression: sadness, melancholy, increased or disrupted sleep, thoughts of suicide, loss of appetite, decreased efficiency of the immune system, and other similar symptoms. For many, grief can be difficult and intense to navigate. But grief is a healthy and natural response to the pain we feel. It is a part of being human.

Types of Loss
There are many types of loss people experience, and some which are specific to the queer community. Whether it’s loss of a loved one who has passed away, loss of a job or opportunity, loss of a relationship, or another loss, grief affects everyone in different ways. Queer folks may also experience concerns typically associated with grief in a different way. Issues such as anxiety, depression, shame, relationship difficulties, self-esteem, rejection, and other common struggles may impact grieving queer people differently than their cisgender heterosexual peers. In the LGBTQ+ community, these feelings of grief can stem from specific experiences only lived through by queer and trans people:

• Many grieve the loss of their family of origin after coming out, or the way important relationships change
• Others grieve the loss of time not spent as their authentic self and stages of life they did not experience as an out queer or trans person may never get back
• And others grieve for the discrimination and hate that is directed towards them and loved ones for existing

These unique experiences have historically led LGBTQ+ folks to grieve together as a community and lean on each other (for example, the creation of the AIDS quilt, annual Trans Day of Remembrance vigils held by candlelight, and the memorial created in the wake of the Pulse Nightclub shooting in Orlando). Grieving in community is a powerful way LGBTQ+ people can lean on each other. This is important because people experiencing grief can often feel isolated, even more so for queer people who feel like they are the only ones going through what they’re going through. Group therapy can also be particularly helpful by allowing connection between people sharing similar experiences, normalizing discussions of grief, and giving space to voicing emotions openly. By sharing a common experience, we remind each other that we are not alone. And you aren’t.

Tasks of Mourning
If you or someone you love is navigating grief and loss, it may take some time to come to terms with what has happened. There comes a time when those who are grieving are faced with the option to continue on after the loss or stay in the pit of emotions that come with grief and loss. When someone feels ready, they may choose to face or process their grief, which can be thought of as the “tasks of mourning”. The tasks of mourning include: (1) accepting the loss, (2) processing the loss, and (3) adjusting to life after the loss. This does not mean a person moves on or forgets what they have lost, just that they move through the loss and carry it with them in an adaptive way that allows them to find a lasting connection to the person/thing they lost.

Understandably, these can be lifelong tasks for some people. For many people, accepting the loss can be incredibly difficult. And for queer people, sometimes adjusting to life after the loss can look like: (1) connecting to their childhood self as an adult, (2) creating a found family, seeking community, and (3) connecting to resources that are equipped to help LGBTQ+ people.

What Does Therapy Do for Queer Grief?
Individual therapy or group therapy are common avenues people use to seek help for coping with grief and loss. Talking with someone who understands loss allows us to connect at a time when connecting can be difficult but is the most important. Through therapy, those who are grieving can process their loss in a safe environment. Often, therapists will work with clients who are mourning to reframe the loss as carrying what they have lost with them but in a different way.

• Looking at a loss as a change of the relationship to a person or thing can help people adjust to life after loss. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) are sometimes used in this way.
• Narrative therapy can help grieving folks continue their story and rewrite it in a way that does not center the difficulties of the loss, instead focusing on keeping the memory of the lost person alive. The loss becomes a part of the client’s story and allows them to make meaning from it.
• Group therapy can also be particularly helpful because it facilitates connection between people sharing similar experiences, normalizing discussions of grief, and giving space to voicing emotions openly.
• Common tasks among all kinds of therapy for grief may include honoring, sometimes through vigils, memorials, writing letters to the person or thing lost, partaking in cherished tasks shared with the person, and saying goodbye.

My Approach
When working one-on-one with clients, I typically approach grief and loss with LGBTQ+ clients from a dialectical approach, balancing empathetic listening to ensure those suffering are heard and able to process with DBT skills for regulating intense emotions. I also implement narrative therapy approaches for grief in order to help folks rewrite their grief-saturated story and build a timeline of their life that integrates the feelings they are experiencing to help them move forward in the way that is best for them.

Although everyone experiences grief and anyone can be helped by these forms of therapy for grief, queer and trans folks can benefit from grief therapy in order to process the intricacies specific to queer grief and loss with someone who understands and will listen. If you or a loved one is experiencing queer grief, reach out. You are not alone.

NEW! Queer Grief Process Group Starts Soon
For LGBTQ+ people (18+) looking for support in grieving a loss, IntraSpectrum Counseling is now enrolling a Queer Grief Process Group (Saturdays, April 5-May 17, 9:00-10:30 AM in-person @Clark Street office). This includes many types of loss listed above, such as loss of communities, friendships, family members, identity, and the loss of life. This group will help you learn how to accept emotions of grief, find satisfaction in your relationships, and improve self-care in order to live with the losses you’ve experienced. Enrollment closes Friday March 28; click for details.

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This blog is authored by Avery Brayfield, M.ED, LPC, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team. IntraSpectrum Counseling is Chicago’s leading psychotherapy practice dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community. Every day, we strive to provide the highest quality mental health care for clients of all ages and across the spectrum of identities. For anyone needing affirming and validating support or healing with any issue, please click here or email us at help@intraspectrum-chicago.com.