This blog is authored by Anthony Lopez, MA, QMHP, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team.
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Connecting with the outside world as a queer person isn’t always easy. There’s a few reasons why this is:
- The LGBTQ+ dating pool is smaller than the cisgender heteronormative dating pool
- Dating apps and social media are not built for authentic local connections
- Sometimes we struggle to connect with others in person in general
As a therapist, these are issues that I regularly explore and work through with my clients. The frustrations from these problems are valid. And I want to provide a sense of hope that I have worked with many clients to overcome these exact issues and help them find the connection they seek. In fact, the entire theory I work from is based on the fact that we are wired for connection. Let’s get into how to get there and some things that disconnect us from others.
To start off, the dating pool simply is smaller for us queer folx. This isn’t inherently a negative as this can contribute to a feeling of tight knit community, especially in big cities like Chicago. But the downside of this is it can start to feel like we have “run out of options” in our dating pool. I assure you, you haven’t, but we’ll get into what your options are in a minute.
We’re Wired for Connection, I Don’t Know if the Apps Are:
Normally my clients will hear me say something like “don’t get me started on dating apps and social media”, but in this article, oh I’m getting started. Dating apps tend to function in one of two ways:
- a grid system that limits the pool of potential suitors to your immediate location, or
- a swiping system in which you get one chance to convince someone to connect with you
What I find ludicrous is that once someone swipes left on you, they’re never going to see your profile again! There’s no opportunity for them to get to know you on a personal level. The rotten cherry on top of it all is that dating apps are now charging you large amounts of money for “more” people to see your profile or send them special likes without fixing the core problems of their app. But of course, an app you don’t need forever is a poor business model.
Speaking of business and models. Let’s talk about social media. “There’s so many cool people online that I wish I could connect with, why doesn’t it ever go anywhere?” Unfortunately, the algorithms that function on social media are wired to sell you goods and services, not to bring people together. The profiles and personalities that get the most traction are models or influencers. It is literally their job to market themselves like a business. A lot of us don’t want to market ourselves like a brand, we just want to connect with people. Even if you do find local people that you want to connect with, I’m willing to bet that you’ve encountered it before that someone isn’t going to follow you back if they don’t know you.
So What Do I Do Then?
In my most professional clinical opinion: you’ve gotta go outside and touch some grass. My golden rule is simple: Get in touch with the in-person queer community. Go to things regularly where you get to do stuff that you love to do. Whether it’s pottery, gaming, or karaoke. The worst that can happen is that you get to do something you love. The best thing that can happen is you hit it off with someone who you already share special interests with!
Of course, this is easier said than done. There are a lot of things that get in the way. Sometimes we don’t even know what kind of spaces we want to spend time in. If we do know what spaces we want to fill, things like anxiety, self-consciousness, body image issues, or depressing feelings can really be a barrier towards feeling comfortable in the spaces you want to occupy.
Connection is Waiting for You
Connection is a major theme of my work as a therapist. The things that I have talked about in this article are very common problems that our queer community faces. I find that having a safe, non-judgmental, space to explore the desires and frustrations of relationships is important to finding connection that you feel is worthwhile. This is something that I am more than happy to explore in therapy with you in addition to all the other troubles the queer community is facing right now.
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This blog is authored by Anthony Lopez, MA, QMHP, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team. IntraSpectrum Counseling is Chicago’s leading psychotherapy practice dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, and we strive to provide the highest quality mental health care for multicultural, identity, kink, polyamorous, and intersectional issues. For anyone needing affirming and validating support, please click here or contact us at help@intraspectrum-chicago.com.
