Supporting Transgender and Gender-Questioning Kids: Tips for Parents & Grown-Ups

In recent years, the concepts of gender and sexuality have moved beyond the outdated and simplistic binary notions of male/female and gay/straight. Today, we know there are many expansive identities and expressions that exist between and outside the binary, and people have much more flexibility to express their gender and sexual orientation in ways that feel right to them. Even so, for kids who are transgender (defined as kids who have a gender identity that doesn’t match their assigned sex at birth) or who are gender-questioning, sorting all of this can be confusing, and even scary. This blog offers suggestions for grownups, to help them support a loved trans or questioning child in their lives.

Most kids can label their own gender identity by age 3; identifying as boys, as girls, as neither, or as not fully male or fully female. And kids typically do express how they feel about their identity at some point after, although not always verbally. Trans and gender-questioning kids may go through periods of gender exploration through the toys they play with, how they dress, and through role-play (including behaviors, use of names, pronouns, etc.). Some grownups may be tempted to dismiss their child’s feelings or behavior, thinking that it’s just a phase. But there is no empirical evidence to suggest that children pretend to be trans. So if their feelings, expressions or behaviors are more than a few isolated incidents and continue for more than a few months, it’s best to believe your child and not consider this a phase.

WHAT SHOULD GROWNUPS DO?
Kids always do best when they have the support of their families. But even with optimal support, this can be a challenging time. For parents, the most important thing right now & throughout this journey, is to give your trans child your unwavering support. Here’s more tips for grown-ups of a transgender or gender-questioning child.

Love your child, & foster a supportive family environment. Tell them out loud and often that you love them unconditionally, no matter who they are or who they want to be. Have discussions with family members in the home about being supportive and affirming, and don’t hesitate to protect your child’s well-being by setting boundaries with unsupportive / extended family members.

Understand that being transgender or non-binary is not a phase. It is a journey, and your child needs your support and validation now more than ever. Don’t dismiss their behavior or try to change their gender identity. Tactics such as denial, punishment, conversion therapy etc. are not only ineffective, they can do permanent damage to your child’s mental health!

Give them space to make decisions. Finding appropriate areas of compromise (appearance, clothing, choice of name, interests), even if you don’t entirely agree with them, can keep power struggles from defining your relationship. For example: (1) let them express gender in public or at family activities, even if it makes you or someone else uncomfortable; (2) allow them to have gender-diverse friends and take part in gender-diverse activities.

Affirm their gender by using the correct language. If / once your child chooses a name, use it – and honor their chosen pronouns / terms too. Mistakes will happen; just consistently correct yourself when they do. And make it a point to correct others too, if they fail to validate your child’s gender identity or name – whether you’re in the presence of your child or not.

Educate yourself, for your kid. It’s important for grownups to not use inappropriate terminology or make triggering or potentially offensive comments on trans or nonbinary topics. Educating yourself on trans terms & the trans community will help foster open communication and respect with your child, and help you better understand them and their identity. Trans and non-binary youth are also at a higher risk of depression, anxiety, self-harm and suicide due to factors such as low self-esteem, dysphoria, and discriminatory or anti-trans environments. So check in with your child often to see how they’re feeling, and ensure that they have access to therapy and other mental health support.

Educate yourself, for the journey. First, we recommend lining up an affirming mental health therapist who is skilled in working with kids and trained to provide the right care. Conduct your own online research, ask trusted friends, reach out to the local LGBTQ+ community center and other resource groups, contact your child’s school and medical providers you know and trust for a referral. You should also familiarize yourself with the most up-to-date information on transition options & medical facilities. Reputable therapists will be able to help with that too.

Fact-find. Your child’s gender expression journey needs to become a priority. Become the legal expert on everything from your kid’s school policies and your municipality’s voting records, to state laws and federal protections so you can be the best advocate for your child.

Prepare for school. Depending on their age, some details regarding your child’s transition should be decided with your child, e.g. who they want to tell; how they want to be addressed). Other considerations, such as whether school staff receives gender training; confirming which bathroom / locker room they’ll use; creating a proactive plan to prevent / address bullying or discrimination; interpreting rules about team, club and overnight activities; and considering whether it’s even safe for your child to transition at school or in the community you live in, need the involvement of a grownup.

Budget for the unexpected. Expenses can include wardrobe change, makeup/accessories, an updated birth certificate / driver’s license / passport, mental health therapy (for your child and the whole family), medical expenses (whether covered or not covered by insurance) such as puberty blockers, hormone therapy, surgery. Some families may even choose to move to a more affirming state.

Reach out to people you trust. Talking with a friend about your situation can reduce stress, help you feel better, and provide knowledge and perspective for the journey. Some people may feel comfortable sharing with several people, others only a few. Either way, don’t feel like you have to tell everyone. And always be clear with people about when you want advice and when you just want someone to listen.

Take care of yourself. This journey is a marathon, not a sprint. Taking good care of yourself is not only important for your own well-being, but it will also help you be focused and ready when decisions need to be made or when your child needs you. Find time to relax. Nurture your relationships with your spouse and loved ones. Foster love & quiet calm at home. Practice good sleep hygiene. Eat well. Reflect on working with your own psychotherapist, to assist you in navigating this process and taking care of yourself. Research support groups for yourself and join one.

RESOURCES

For more information, click the links below:

The Trevor Project: National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health 2021
Human Rights Campaign: Transgender Children & Youth: Understanding the Basics
Family Equality: How To Support Transgender Youth in Your Life
Information for LGBTQ+ People Under the Trump Administration
Trump’s War on Trans People: A Legal Survival Guide

_________________________________________________________

IntraSpectrum Counseling is Chicago’s leading psychotherapy practice dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, and we strive to provide the highest quality mental health care for clients of all ages – including children and adolescents. For anyone needing affirming and validating support or healing with any issue, please click here or email us at help@intraspectrum-chicago.com.