Personal Boundaries – What They Are, How We Set Them, and Why They Help

This blog is authored by Michaela Rowsey MA, QMHP, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team.

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Defining Personal Boundaries: What ARE They Anyway?
Personal Boundaries can be thought of similar to a fence – they draw a line that limits someone’s access to a certain area. They essentially form a line in your life that tells others: “No entry. Do not cross.” For some, this might sound kind of harsh; however, that’s why the fence analogy is helpful. The fence is not there to scare others away or to stop others from walking up and ringing the doorbell. Rather, it is there to ensure the safety of those inside the house and to at least somewhat limit the access to those outside.

For your individual and unique personal boundaries, you often do not have just once fence that never moves; rather, you set up multiple fences for different areas of your life (e.g., physical boundaries, work boundaries, verbal boundaries etc.) that can change based on what you have going on in your life.

For example, maybe you’re having a really hectic week – you’re starting a new job, you’re in an argument with one of your good friends, and all of a sudden, your cat isn’t eating food anymore and needs an emergency vet visit. By the end of the week, you’re probably exhausted and need some R&R; however, on Thursday night, your mom calls and is begging for you to join her on a weekend yoga retreat that is 4 hours away after your sibling cancels because they’re sick. As much as you love your mom and would typically agree to accompany her, you’re mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted from the prior week. Thus, your normal time boundaries may need to shift to help ensure your own personal wellbeing.

Also, fences will differ from person to person, so what may be a vital fence for you may not be necessary for other people and vice versa. Nonetheless, even if it is a fence that only seems to be set up by you, it doesn’t make it any less valid or worthy of respect.

To further clarify what personal boundaries are, let’s discuss different types of what boundaries and examples of how they may be established:

• Emotional Boundaries: your emotional availability to others. EXAMPLE: Your friend calls to tell you about their bad day, but you ask if you can talk about it tomorrow because you also had a really hard day and don’t have the emotional space to be supportive in that moment.
• Physical Boundaries: the physical touch that you are and are not okay with. EXAMPLE: You start seeing a new romantic interest and they try to kiss you at the end of the first date, but you tell them you’re not comfortable with physical intimacy until you know each other a bit more.
• Verbal Boundaries: the way in which others speak to you and communicate with you. EXAMPLE: Sometimes you get into disagreements with your mom, and she yells at you. So the next time she raises her voice, you inform her that you will have to pause the conversation until you both can engage in a calm and respectful manner.
• Time Boundaries: your limitations with how you spend your time. EXAMPLE: Your friends want you to come out to the bar with them on a Friday night, but you had a very long and chaotic week. So, you message your friends and tell them you really need a night in by yourself to recuperate.
• Work-Life Boundaries: the ways in which you separate your work life from your everyday life. EXAMPLE: You don’t receive work emails on your cell phone so that you don’t feel tempted to check them when you’re not in the office.

Why Are Personal Boundaries Sometimes Challenging to Set or Maintain?
Despite how beneficial these fences are, not everyone loves them because it blocks access to something they may be benefitting from in some way. For example, let’s say that I have a house with a beautiful backyard that has a huge, crystal blue pool with a waterfall and jacuzzi. Everyone LOVES this pool, and I put a lot of time and energy into making it a lavish place to relax. I also love to let others have access to my pool because I want them to enjoy it as much as I do. However, I recently noticed that sometimes people come and use my pool at inconvenient times – such as when I’m not there or when it’s 2 in the morning and I’m trying to sleep. Also, while most people are respectful of my property, others leave trash behind and don’t clean up after themselves.

To help rectify this issue, I decided to put a fence up around my backyard with a locked gate, and I explained to my friends and family that, while I want them to use my pool and enjoy themselves, there are certain times when I would prefer for the pool to not be used. Most of the people really understood and respected this, but that wasn’t the case for everyone. Some people got really upset with me, and they threatened to not speak to me anymore if I limited their access to my pool. My mom even pulled me to the side and told me that I was being rude to my friends and family, and that I was being very selfish. It wasn’t my intention to upset others, and I’m really confused as to why everyone is upset about what I’m doing with my personal property that I paid for and put a lot of time and energy into by myself. I don’t want my pool to be misused, but I also don’t want others to be upset with me or think I’m selfish…

When you read that scenario, you may instantly think, “So? It’s my pool, and if I want to put a fence around it to protect myself and my property, that’s my choice.” For others, you may be thinking, “I don’t want to be dramatic or upset anyone, so I’ll just take the fence down.” For the latter response, there are some potential causes, such as:

• People have ignored, made fun of, or became angry with you for stating your needs/boundaries in the past
• You have people pleasing/placating tendencies
• A low sense of self-worth can also cause one to feel as if they don’t deserve/aren’t “good enough” to have boundaries

How Is Our Life Impacted by a Lack of Personal Boundaries?

• You ensure others’ happiness and wellbeing at the expense of your own. Sticking with the prior of example of the lavish backyard and pool, let’s hypothetically say that I never put up the fence and simply allow others unlimited access. Now, I’m being woken up throughout the night from people partying in my pool, and every day I have to spend at least an hour cleaning up my backyard to get it back to how it usually looks. This is absolutely draining me. I love my friends and family coming over, but they are wearing me out. I’m exhausted all the time, I’m very irritable with my friends and family, and I have no free time for myself anymore because I’m constantly cleaning or napping during the day. I’ve stopped taking my kids to school in the morning because I can’t wake up on time, and my partner is having to do school drop-off and pick-up instead. By the time I get home from work, I just feel like I have no energy left to give.
• You become resentful towards those crossing your boundaries. Okay, I know letting others use my pool is the kind thing to do, and I love seeing everyone so happy. But I’m noticing more and more that I’m getting really annoyed with my friends and family, and I’m being really snippy with them. But I mean seriously, is it that hard to clean up after yourself!? And how inconsiderate of them to just keep me up all hours of the night!? I swear I am going to lose it if these people do not get out of my pool!!
• You continue to convince yourself that others’ moods are solely contingent upon your individual choices and actions. But if I limit their access to my pool, what if they get really mad at me and don’t like me anymore? What if they get their feelings hurt and start to cry? What if they think I’m selfish and don’t care about them? What if they stop talking to me and don’t make plans with me anymore? What if I’m left all alone? Rather than attributing someone’s mood to their own experiences and perceptions, a lack of boundaries can lead to you to constantly trying to change yourself to keep others happy and content. This can become very exhausting and overwhelming, and it can also lead you to having difficulties feeling content if you only feel that way if others are okay with you.
• If we lack boundaries in our lives, we may be upset/hurt/confused when others set boundaries in their lives. I let my friend Susan use my pool every day, whenever she wants, no questions asked – even if it inconveniences me! I asked to use her trampoline this upcoming weekend, and she had the audacity to say no because she won’t be in town this weekend. How rude! I mean, she did offer to let me use it once they got back. But I never make her wait to use my pool, so it just doesn’t seem fair.

How Do Our Lives and Connections Benefit from Having Personal Boundaries?
Personal boundaries help you ensure your needs are being met. As I have previously mentioned, boundaries are a good thing. They are not meant to create distance in your connections. Rather, they are meant to promote your wellbeing so your connections can also flourish. If your needs are not being met, how are you going to be able to truly engage with your connections in a meaningful manner?

• They help you to identify those who are and are not respectful of your boundaries. When you establish boundaries with others, there are infinite possibilities in how they may respond. Some individuals may become upset/frustrated/distant because you set boundaries, and that can be great information for you. If boundaries are tricky for you to set because you worry about how others may respond, then it’s important you are aware of those who make you feel uncomfortable/bad about setting boundaries so you can establish a game-plan about how to interact with those individuals in a way that ensures your boundaries are still being respected.
• They increase your self-awareness. If you don’t know your needs, you won’t know what boundaries you need to set. However, to establish boundaries, you truly have to have some level of self-awareness to know what boundaries to set and who to set them with. If we do not know how our life is hurting from a lack of boundaries, then we won’t know where and/or why we need them. However, if we are aware of the ways in which we are negatively impacted from a lack of boundaries, then we have a starting point of where changes need to be made.

How Do We Set Personal Boundaries in a Way That Promotes Connection and Wellbeing?

By developing self-awareness:

• First, you have to identify where boundaries are needed in your life:
  • Maybe you always say yes to others’ requests, so you need to dedicate a certain amount of time in the week that is specifically for you. That way, you can still say yes to some requests, but you ensure you’re not spreading yourself too thin and that you still have time for yourself.
  • Maybe you have a new partner that is really wanting to engage in physical relations with you, and you believe that to get them to like you, you should say yes even if you’re not comfortable with it.
• You may also need to identify individuals that you have a hard time setting boundaries with:
  • Maybe you have a friend that doesn’t seem to respect your sobriety and constantly tries to get you to go to the bars on Saturday night.
  • Maybe you have a parent that constantly speaks down to you even if you’ve already told them it hurts your feelings, and you want them to stop.
• This process usually requires you to sit with your thoughts and feelings to truly reflect on the patterns in your life. This step can be a bit challenging if you’ve never done it before, and therapy can be exceptionally helpful for this process!

By practicing what to say and how to say it:

• With anything new in life, practice makes perfect. If you never learned how to ride a 2-wheel bicycle before, and I asked you to do it, you may feel overwhelmed and nervous. However, if we take off one training wheel at a time and find our balance through practice, it can make the process seem a lot less intimidating. The same is true for setting boundaries with others.
• Once you know the boundaries you want to set and who you need to set them with, then you can decide when/how/where to communicate your boundaries to others. By preparing in advance, it can help relax some of the anxiety you may feel about communicating your needs.

By reacting when our boundaries are violated, ignored, and/or met with disapproval:

• Now let’s say you’ve put in the work to gain self-awareness, talked to your counselor about the boundaries you want to establish, practiced it so you’re feeling confident, and then the person you attempt to set the boundary with ends up violating your boundaries anyway.
• This can be super frustrating, and it can cause you to maybe slip back into negative and/or self-doubting thought patterns. However, this is the time to disrupt negative patterns that we keep repeating. At this point, it’s super important to remind ourselves what the intention behind the boundary was and why it was important for you to set it. Also, if you find yourself feeling guilty or frustrated with yourself for attempting to set a boundary and receiving a negative response, take some time to consider why someone would respond negatively to boundaries from the prior examples discussed. Because at the end of the day, if someone isn’t respecting your boundaries, that does not mean your boundaries are “wrong” or “not worthy” of respecting. Rather, the issue may lie externally.

My Take, as a Therapist

Personal boundaries can be very tricky in our day-to-day interactions, but with practice, they can become second nature. Sometimes people hear about boundaries and think that they’re causing separation or distance between a relationship; however, they’re truly meant to do the complete opposite – boundaries are meant to strengthen relationships to ensure everyone’s needs are being met and respected so that we can develop healthy connections that promote one another’s growth and wellbeing.

For my work with clients, boundaries are often discussed to gauge a client’s comfortability with identifying, voicing, and maintaining their boundaries. Within the therapeutic space, you can feel safe and validated to explore your boundaries and practice establishing them in a way that feels comfortable. It also gives folks the space to process instances in which boundaries are ignored or violated, as these situations can cause feelings of confusion and frustration. Similarly, it also makes space for clients to vocalize and celebrate boundary wins and success—no matter how big or small! Regardless of your knowledge of and experience with boundaries, therapy is a great place to begin or continue the conversation and further develop your confidence.

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This blog is authored by Michaela Rowsey MA, QMHP,a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team. IntraSpectrum Counseling is Chicago’s leading psychotherapy practice dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community. Every day, we strive to provide the highest quality mental health care for clients of all ages and across the spectrum of identities. For anyone needing affirming and validating support or healing with personal boundaries or any issue, please click here or email us at help@intraspectrum-chicago.com.