Ace-Spectrum and Attraction: Giving Greater Attention to the Breadth of Variation

This blog is authored by Kayo Curra, MA, LCPC, NCC, CCMHC, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team.

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It can be easy to take sex and sexuality for granted in a society where the idea that “sex sells” is still, and has nearly always been, a thing. When it comes to sex and relationships, there’s still an assumption, even an expectation, that a “good” or “successful” relationship will include the people involved romantically loving each other and having sex. Even the relationship therapists that show up on tv still always tell you that a “good” relationship requires a certain amount of sex. So, let’s get a few things out of the way real quick:

• Allosexual/Allo – a sexual orientation characterized by sexual attraction to others
• Compulsory Sexuality – the societal belief that everyone is sexual and obligated to participate in sexual activity
• Amatonormativity – the societal assumption that everyone desires and benefits from a romantic relationship, and that such relationships are the norm
• Asexual/Ace – a sexual orientation characterized by the absence or very low levels of sexual attraction towards others
• Graysexual/Gray-Ace – a sexual orientation that describes people who experience sexual attraction infrequently or with low intensity
• Demisexual – a sexual orientation where individuals experience sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional bond with someone
• Aromantic/Aro – a romantic orientation characterized by the absence or very low levels of romantic attraction towards others
• Gray-Romantic – a romantic orientation that describes people who experience romantic attraction infrequently or with low intensity
• Demiromantic – a romantic orientation where someone experiences romantic attraction only after forming a strong emotional connection with someone
• Ace-Spectrum – the whole range of asexual and graysexual identities, the aromantic and gray-romantic identities often get included on the ace-spectrum, too

Compulsory sexuality is a pervasive beast, and the assumption that everyone is sexual and will at some point want sex and have sex can lead to people assuming that they must have a relationship with sexual attraction. Even if maybe they don’t, or they don’t have the kind of relationship that society says they’re “supposed to” have. Add amatonormativity to the mix, and it’s not uncommon for ace-spectrum folk to go a while without realizing that their feelings around sex and/or romance fit within the ace-spectrum. They might go through life assuming that they’re just doing something “wrong,” haven’t found the “right person” yet, or are somehow “messed up.”

That can be further complicated by the fact that attraction is so much more complicated than just the “see = want for Teh Sex” that the narratives created by compulsory sexuality would have us believe. Not to mention the fact that compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity often combine forces to conflate sexual attraction and romantic attraction into the same thing. But, in actuality, sexual attraction and romantic attraction can be different. For instance, a person can be heterosexual (only sexually attracted to the opposite sex) but panromantic (romantically attracted to all sexes and genders). A person could even be a bi-demisexual and aromantic. It’s really possible for there to be any combination of the sexual orientations and the ace-spectrum orientations. Think of the whole of a person’s sexual and romantic identity as more of a field than a spectrum:

This is, of course, a super simplified conceptualization of sexuality. And it doesn’t account for romantic orientation because, well…I can’t draw in three dimensions. But hopefully, you get the idea. Orientation and attraction are way more complicated than we generally give them credit for.

However, attraction goes even further than simply romantic and sexual attraction. A person can experience any of a number of kinds of attraction. And, if the only kind of attraction we’ve been told about is sexual attraction, it can be easy to assume that “Oh, attraction is attraction is sexual/romantic attraction.” But, what a person might be feeling and thinking is sexual/romantic attraction could actually be:

• Aesthetic Attraction – a pull towards someone based on sensory stimuli; usually visual, but can also be any of the other senses
• Sensual Attraction – a pull to engage in physical, non-sexual activity with a person, such as hugging, cuddling, or holding hands
• Platonic Attraction – a pull to engage in a type of non-romantic emotional relationship with a specific person, usually in the form of a friendship
• Intellectual Attraction – a pull focused on connecting with someone else’s intellect, opinions, or knowledge
• Alterous Attraction – a pull for some form of emotional closeness with a person that cannot solely be described as romantic or platonic

That’s not to say that ace-spectrum folk will never experience sexual or romantic attraction. Sometimes some people do. Particularly if they’re in the graysexual or gray-romantic realm, and experience sexual or romantic attraction, just less frequently or less intensely than allosexuals or alloromantic folk, or maybe only under certain circumstances. Maybe they’re sapiosexual, and experience sexual attraction when there’s a strong intellectual connection. Or they’re demisexual or demiromantic and only develop sexual or romantic attraction after an emotional bond is formed. Maybe they’re aceflux, and they experience changes in their sexuality between ace and periods of experiencing sexual attraction. They might be aegosexual, and experience sexual attraction but have little to no desire to engage in sexual activity. There is a plethora of gray-ace and gray-romantic identities, each with a different relationship with sexuality and romantic attraction.

For someone who has found their way to identifying as ace-spectrum, finding themself experiencing sexual or romantic attraction can feel like it’s throwing everything out of alignment. Sometimes, fighting against the stereotypes around ace-spectrum identities can make it feel like you can’t have any attraction whatsoever or any relationship with sex and sexuality (for more around this check out our blog article You’re Not Broken, Society Is: Asexuality, Acephobia & Discussions Around Sex). But there are plenty of ace-spectrum folk, even those who don’t experience sexual attraction, who do have a relationship with sex, and will choose to have sex for their own reasons. That doesn’t invalidate or undo their ace-ness.

Compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity aren’t likely to go away any time soon. But that doesn’t mean people can’t learn better ways of making room for the full realm of sexual and romantic orientations. A part of that can mean:

• learning more about and holding more space for the different types of attraction that a person can experience
• creating more space for people to build relationships that suit their needs and attractions, rather than expecting them to make relationships that are going to be built around sex and romance
• giving more respect and consideration to the significance of platonic relationships (in addition to more intentionally crafted romantic relationships)
• giving more space for people to choose not to engage in relationships

The examples above can go a long way to creating more inclusivity for people with diverse sexual and romantic orientations. Additionally, consensually non-monogamous relationships, relationship anarchy, and queer-platonic relationships are all relationship structures that can lend themselves to greater flexibility in creating relationships that might help support the diverse needs and wants of people with different sexual and romantic orientations and their unique relationships with attraction.

As a therapist, the best guidance I can give for someone questioning if they might be on the ace-spectrum is really the same I’d give for most situations: let go of “should.” There’s nothing that you “should” be doing or feeling or thinking when it comes to your orientation. You are who you are. That might shift and change as you change and grow. And that’s okay, too. Maybe try reflecting on the different kinds of attraction or even take some time to journal about how you feel like you do or don’t connect with each one. Try connecting with other ace-spectrum folks through online communities like AVEN, or check out Meetup and Facebook for groups to meet people in person. Asexual folk are reported to only make up 1% of the overall population, though I suspect that number will actually get higher as awareness of ace-spectrum identities grow. And I suspect that with the inclusion of gray-sexual identities like demi-sexual and the aromantic spectrum, that percentage also increases significantly.

The ace-spectrum world is bigger than it’s generally given credit for – in regard to orientations, forms of attraction, and people. So if you think you might be part of it: Welcome. If you’re an ally and you want to support ace-spectrum folk, then learn more about asexual and aromantic spectrum identities, and learn how you can begin to dismantle compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity, to help make more and safer spaces for your ace-spectrum comrades. And, remember, in LGBTQIA+, the A is for Ace/Aro (and agender). For people who are exploring a romantic or sexual orientation on the ace-spectrum, and are looking for more resources, some good options to check out are:

• Aces Wild, by Sally Vinter – webcomic
• Sounds Fake but Okay – podcast
• Sounds Fake but Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else, by Sarah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca – book by the creators of the podcast
• How to Be Ace: A Memoir of Growing Up Asexual, by Rebecca Burgess – graphic novel
• Ace and Aro Journeys: A Guide to Embracing your Asexual or Aromantic Identity, by The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project – book
• Ace Voices: What It Means to Be Asexual, Aromantic, Demi or Grey-ace, by Eris Young – book
• Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, by Angela Chen – book

Orientation Graph Image Credit: Kayo Curra, MA, LCPC, NCC, CCMHC

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This blog is authored by Kayo Curra, MA, LCPC, NCC, CCMHC, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team. IntraSpectrum Counseling is Chicago’s leading psychotherapy practice dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, and we strive to provide the highest quality mental health care for multicultural, identity, kink, polyamorous, and intersectional issues. For anyone needing affirming and validating support, please click here or contact us at help@intraspectrum-chicago.com.