This blog is authored by Jess Pierotti, MA, QMHP, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team.
_____________________________
Friends, partners, coworkers or family, whatever the relationship there’s bound to be challenges, conflict and mistakes made. Of course we want to try and prevent harming people in our lives when we can, but perfection is not possible! And often the fear of missteps or conflict can lead to avoidance and potentially more volatile and damaging conflict down the line.
Unfortunately, it’s not a matter of if we will do harm within our relationships, but when. Instead of avoidance, we can practice acceptance and put energy towards healthy recovery and repair. As a therapist, I collaborate with my clients to identify patterns in their relationships and delve into the family dynamics and communication styles that were modeled for them as young people. Efforts towards change can be even more fruitful when they are supported with a better understanding of the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of present behaviors.
Repair Work
‘Repair’ doesn’t mean erasure. The goal after conflict is not to erase what has occurred, or time travel back to before a mistake was made. Think of repair like a patch, it lays on top of the existing structure and makes it stronger than it was before. Maybe the conflict revealed some sort of a weak spot that wasn’t previously recognized, repair can transform the relationship for the better. The second word ‘work,’ well I think you see where I’m going with this. You’re going to have to do some work! Everybody is going to have to put in effort and time to address conflict, engage empathetically and rebuild trust.
Accountability
Taking accountability for our actions is something many of us struggle with. It can feel vulnerable, trigger feelings of inadequacy, or fears of abandonment. But taking accountability and pushing through these difficult feelings is crucial if you are going to repair harm done within a relationship. Let me tell you, it comes up with all of my clients, from families to teens to couples, and sometimes even within the therapeutic relationship itself! I find that taking accountability as a therapist in session can be an amazing opportunity to model healthy communication and build trust with my clients.
The first step to taking accountability is taking the time to reflect on your own behavior:
- What did you do?
- What conditions at the time impacted your behavior?
- What past events in your life may have in part driven this behavior?
- What emotions are coming up for you as a result of this event?
- How did this impact the other person?
- What emotions may have come up for the other person?
Once we’ve taken the time to walk through and reflect on what has occurred it’s time to step up and take responsibility:
- Restate what occurred
- Identify how this may have made the other person feel
- Offer them an opportunity to share more or clarify
- Apologize without justifying your behavior*
*Alright, this is a big one folks. What exactly IS justifying your behavior? It can be tricky because our brains are very good at finding ways to work around accountability and sneak in little justifications to our actions. Justification can take the form of intellectualizing (using concepts, theory, or academic frames to justify behavior), rationalizing (using logic or reason), making excuses, deflecting or blaming by raising issues with the other person’s behavior, or minimizing the impact of the harm done.
- Identify potential changes to future behavior
- Allow for the event to be revisited! This may involve walking through the steps again and reaffirming your commitment to accountability
Moving through this process is likely to feel awkward and challenging at first. Avoidance and defensiveness may have deep roots in your patterns of behavior, past relationships, and family dynamics. In my work with clients I focus on small scale change and the slow construction of new healthier patterns. If a rupture has taken place in a relationship, even the best repair work will not rebuild trust overnight. I emphasize the importance of patience and acceptance towards both ourselves and the people we care about. Missteps will continue to be made, followed by feelings of vulnerability and fear, guilt and shame; yet we can continue to show up for the people in our lives and put in the work to keep building towards something stronger each time.
_____________________________
This blog is authored by Jess Pierotti, MA, QMHP, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team. IntraSpectrum Counseling is Chicago’s leading psychotherapy practice dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, and we strive to provide the highest quality mental health care for multicultural, identity, kink, polyamorous, and intersectional issues. For anyone needing affirming and validating support, please click here or contact us at help@intraspectrum-chicago.com.
IntraSpectrum Counseling is appalled at the priorities and actions of this administration. It’s abundantly clear that the federal government is on the attack and that the rights, safety, and very lives of LGBTQ+ and minority communities are in jeopardy. We unapologetically denounce these deliberate actions that seek to harm the most vulnerable, particularly those among us who are Black, Brown, Indigenous, trans and non-binary. We stand firmly with our queer & BIPOC communities, and the millions of Americans who support equal rights for all citizens. We will continue to offer affirming support, provide resources, advocate for systemic change and foster spaces of safety and empowerment. Our resistance will not waver and we are not going anywhere.