Existence and Acceptance: Making Meaning in Our Lives

This blog is authored by Elle Terrado, MS, QMHP, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team.

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It is not uncommon to question the meaning of our lives. I look back and remember instances at which I am practically on my knees with my fists shaking in the air, just begging the universe to give me a clear answer: “what is my purpose here?”

In fact, the question of our purpose is one reason that many people seek therapy. Perhaps finding our purpose may lift the burden of being constantly placed in situations that can feel impossible. Or maybe “purpose” will serve as a manual, or guide, that simply tells us how to live our lives. For whatever reason that we so often seek a sense of purpose, it can be a haunting feeling to fall into a spiral of existential questioning:

• “What is the meaning of life?”
• “Do I really have free will?”
• “Is there a ‘right’ way to live that I am not living?”

If you’ve ever found yourself in this spiral, well, you are definitely not alone. The human experience has proven to be despairing at times, as if part of the experience is meant to cause us predicaments. But let’s take a second to explore the “givens of life” and offer a different viewpoint than where we are now. Rather than this article telling you what your purpose of life is, as a therapist I want to offer an approach that accepts the life in front of us. This, by no means, means that you must like everything going on in front of you. It also does not mean, paradoxically, to adopt an “it is what it is” attitude.

Accepting life as it is in front of us will reveal key insights for making lasting change. This part is not easy. The bulk of the work in psychotherapy addresses just this part alone. Exploring themes related to mortality, freedom, responsibility, anxiety, and aloneness, can all help kickstart the process in our search for meaning. Emphasis on the word, “process.”

So, the search for meaning itself is a continuous process, demanding the yin and yang of opposing, yet complementing principles. Thus, we are not being asked for an answer, nor a solution to our lives. We are being asked to figure out what it means to give ourselves grace and to allow ourselves joy amidst the inevitable.

To reiterate, part of our purpose is the process. From my experience as a therapist, clients report higher distress when they feel that they are not on the right path or feel aimless against aspects of life way bigger than their realm of control. If you have already begun to question this, congrats, you have already started the process. To these clients, I offer a 3-step approach:

Step 1. Accept Responsibility
There is responsibility in freedom; we are free and therefore responsible for our actions. It is important to recognize your role in creating your life predicament, and that you, mainly you, have the power to change the situation.

Step 2. Explore Values and Beliefs
With taking accountability and responsibility of our actions, we can more clearly design the pathway that we want to follow. Exploring our values (i.e., love, compassion, connection) will help us guide our behaviors to live through the principles that we care most about. For example, if I value connection deeply, I will act in ways that promote connection in my life, like arranging a weekend picnic for my friends and me every other Saturday while the weather is still nice.

Step 3. Brace for the Inevitable
Life would not be life without hardship. It comes with the territory. But this is not an unfortunate reality, and it can be a gift if you choose to see it that way. The process of making meaning is not for the faint-hearted, but I believe that every human has the strength to be up to the task. The important part is learning how to harness that strength as tool against inevitable hardship, because inevitable hardships mean inevitable triumphs.

Psychotherapy, friends, and family can all help you explore personal values, wants, and desires that will ultimately lay the foundation for experiencing enjoyable moments.

Sometimes, our human nature wants to keep our minds on the inevitable hardship, even during times where peace is right in front of us. All this to say: do not stop at the hardship. And just because you, and you only, have the power to change your situation, does not mean that you must do it alone. It simply means that you have the power to live however you choose—and that you have the option to live a life that also offers you moments of joy, pleasure, delight, and yes, happiness and triumph.

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This blog is authored by Elle Terrado, MS, QMHP, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling clinical team. IntraSpectrum Counseling is Chicago’s leading psychotherapy practice dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, and we strive to provide the highest quality mental health care for multicultural, identity, kink, polyamorous, and intersectional issues. For anyone needing affirming and validating support, please click here or contact us at help@intraspectrum-chicago.com.