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A Crash Course on Pronouns for International Pronouns Day

By October 16, 2024No Comments

IntraSpectrum Counseling is proud to commemorate International Pronouns Day. This reflection is authored by Dr. Kristin Kazyaka, PhD-L, a member of the IntraSpectrum Counseling team.

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International Pronouns Day occurs every year on the third Wednesday of October. This day was initially created in 2018, and is a day dedicated to highlighting the human dignity of using correct pronouns when referring to people. For more information, click here.

What are Pronouns?
Pronouns are a part of speech that substitute the name of a noun (person, place, or thing). In English, pronouns are typically variations on me, you, he, she, they, or it. Pronouns are the ways that we refer to others in lieu of continuously using that person’s name.

Why are Pronouns Important?
Pronouns are affirming of the gender identity of others. It is human dignity to refer to another person with the pronouns they determine for themselves. It is a similar idea to using the correct name to refer to a person. If someone informs you of their pronouns, the kindest way to engage would be to utilize those pronouns. When we think about the idea of using correct pronouns, we typically think about trans, or gender non-conforming individuals. However, to better understand the importance of correct pronoun use, perhaps imagine referring to John Cena using she/her pronouns:

  • Cena would likely be confused and insulted
  • his fans would likely perceive this as an insult, and
  • others might be confused as to whom you were referring, or believe you were attempting to comment on Cena’s gender expression

Using affirming pronouns for people who are cisgender is commonplace in our society – it is when we begin to introduce using affirming pronouns for trans, or gender nonconforming individuals that discourse ramps up.

What Should I Do if I Don’t Know Someone’s Pronouns?
You can take a few different approaches:

1. Introduce yourself or assert what pronouns you use – this can create an opportunity for them to share their pronouns: “By the way, I use they/them pronouns.”

2. Default to a gender inclusive pronoun: If you’re unsure, they/them is typically used to refer to people we have not yet met/whose gender we are unsure of. For example, if I were to say that I have a coworker I appreciate, you might ask me questions about them. In the preceding sentence, “them” was used to refer to the coworker, because their gender or gender identity was unclear or unknown.

3. Ask! I want to make sure I am being respectful – what pronouns should I use for you?” It is often helpful to set the tone of asking about pronouns by introducing yourself or naming your pronouns: “By the way, I use he/him pronouns – how should I refer to you?” or “Let’s start this meeting by sharing our names and the pronouns we use, I’ll go first”. If you are in a group, please make sure not to single any one individual out, and instead normalize sharing pronouns with others.

What if I Mess up Someone’s Pronouns by Mistake?
This happens! The best thing you can do is try to correct yourself and use the right pronouns moving forward. Sometimes people feel pulled to apologize or to ask forgiveness from the person, especially if that person corrects you, and I would encourage you to instead thank that person for their correction. Let’s break it down:
– Option 1: “Actually, J uses they/them pronouns.” “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry – I am the worst and am still new at using those pronouns!”
– Option 2: “Actually, J uses they/them pronouns.” “Thank you – yes, they were…

In Option 1, the person corrected apologizes, shifts the focus to their growth, and is trying to explain the reason they made the mistake. While this is an entirely understandable response, it’s ultimately driven from a place of insecurity and wanting the other person to see them as good, or trying, which puts the other person in the position to validate your feelings. In Option 2, you are acknowledging the correction and integrating the feedback, which is the best way to demonstrate that you care, are working hard to grow, and are trying. Click here for more examples.

How Do I Get Better at Using the Correct Pronouns?
Practice, practice, practice! Just like any other skill, it is important to practice until it becomes more natural. When someone shifts from using a binary pronoun (she/her or he/him) to a more gender expansive pronoun (they/them), I often like to picture that person in my head and say  the new pronoun over and over again to start to build that association in my own brain. This helps me adjust how I view that person and their gender expression!

What if I Disagree with the Grammar of Using They/Them Pronouns for a Single Person?
I might encourage you to examine that belief a little closer, and ask that you read this article for a historical look at the singular use of they (or look into other writing about ways this is a grammatical norm in English). But beyond the grammar, I would encourage you to reflect on your values as a person and how you engage/connect with others. Is your value to correct others and to be right in conversations, or do you have a value around kindness and caring for others? If you value kindness, remember the point above on why pronouns are important. Perhaps you can let yourself be uncomfortable to live out your value of kindness and treating others with dignity and respect.

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International Pronouns Day is observed annually on the third Wednesday of October. As Chicago’s leading psychotherapy practice dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, IntraSpectrum Counseling is proud to acknowledge and celebrate it. Every day, we strive to provide the highest quality mental health care for clients of all ages and across the spectrum of identities. For anyone needing affirming and validating support or healing with any issue, please click here or email us at help@intraspectrum-chicago.com.